Made to Suffer?

One interesting way to look at happiness and suffering is from the perspective of evolutionary design. Positive and negative emotions (as well as their more direct physical counterparts, pleasure and pain) were nature's way of ensuring that an organism avoided situations that would lead to its untimely death, and pursued things that would help it prosper. Severe heat is painful so that we avoid it (and avoid injury which could lead to death). Accomplishment feels good because doing things like building houses or harvesting crops helped us weather the uncertainties that nature brought. Rejection feels horrible, because we needed to learn to avoid things that made others expel us from social groups critical to our survival.

The key to the efficacy of the "driving" emotions in guaranteeing our survival is that they feel absolutely real. We must suffer from pain. We must suffer when we don't achieve, or when we fail to accumulate wealth. If we didn't, we wouldn't have avoided the situations that result in death when we were evolving in the wild, and our species wouldn't have made it to today.

However, to go with "what feels natural" (i.e., responding directly to the impulses our bodies and minds produce) is actually the path to continual dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction is evolution's crude method of making sure your genes make it to the next generation. It keeps us striving for the things that matter for survival of the species (food, wealth, sex, etc.), but not for the things that matter for our own happiness (contentment, peace, etc.). As a pawn in the game of species-level survival, evolution requires you to be permanently unsatisfied.

However, things are different in the context of modern civilization -- survival in the developed world is guaranteed until old age. We no longer need our emotions to drive us to do what we must to survive. Using logic and science, we have built incredible systems to support our survival. Yet, we are still driven by an unconscious system of emotions that push and pull us uncontrollably.

Powerful emotional drive is an old-fashioned machine that we no longer need for survival. It's like a polluting coal-fired power plant -- big, powerful, inefficient, and causing more harm than we can afford.

We need to figure out a better way to live our lives. We need a way to reduce the strength and "real-ness" of those powerful drives. Surprisingly, one has existed for thousands of years. It involves taking the time to understand the way our minds work, developing the ability to observe our thoughts and emotions, and consciously making an effort to change our minds for the better.

If it means transformation of your life, and experiencing profound happiness that grows, are you willing to try?

The Dynamics of Happiness

In the past two lectures of Systems Dynamics (a discipline that aims to explain the behavior of systems through simple diagrams and feedback loops), our professor, John Sterman, used some very convincing models of human society and the economy to show that without radical change, human society is headed for a period of population collapse and great suffering. The simple fact of the matter is that we cannot continue to grow (in population and in economic terms) indefinitely while consuming finite or slow-to-regenerate resources without a severe crash. The dynamics of the system lead to no other conclusion. No amount of tweaking the inputs (amount of resources, technological innovation, market dynamics, etc.) results in any significant change in the outcome.

But what does that have to do with us as individuals in the system? In today’s lecture, he presented the results of a survey to the class asking how much money you would want to receive every year until you die to satisfy your consumption needs. In other words, how much money would you have to be able to spend each year to be satisfied? The results were astounding -- the median value was $200,000 per year, with an average that was even higher. This was apparently typical for the dozens of times he’s done the survey in an MBA class. (We’re talking consumption here, not income!)

We then explored the dynamics of consumption, and how it relates to life satisfaction. We came across the familiar “hedonic treadmill” and a few other dynamics that prevent us from ever being satisfied with what we currently have, and lead to more and more striving for money and “success.” Everyone nodded their heads in agreement -- the idea that once you get used to something you enjoy it less and less is both simple and obvious. (Remember how awesome it used to feel when you looked at your new iPhone/computer/car/anything?)

The problem here is that even if the concept makes sense in academic terms, nobody behaves as though they understand. I was amazed to be sitting in a room with a slice of the world’s smartest people (at one of the top academic institutions on the planet), and realize that almost none of them actually understand the dynamics of their own happiness/life satisfaction. They simply don’t have the knowledge to effectively improve their life satisfaction without a large amount of misdirected effort. $200,000 per year of spending cash is ludicrous, and won’t bring you happiness to any significant degree -- you’ll adjust and simply want more.

The fact of the matter is that money and the things it buys are just that -- things. It is our minds that determine whether those “things” make us feel good, bad, or neutral. There is nothing objectively desirable about money. To a man lost in the woods, $100 bills are nothing more than fuel for a fire to keep him warm. The key here to remember is that whether we feel good or bad at any time is entirely determined inside our minds. I challenge you to come up with one example to the contrary.

(really, try it! Post in the comments if you’ve got something)

So anyways, what does this have to do with the doomsday model of the world Professor Sterman presented on Monday? It’s that there’s one assumption in the model that we presume cannot be changed -- that we must always consume more and more to sustain our happiness. If we were somehow able to change ourselves to be satisfied with what we currently have, a crash would no longer be inevitable.

We’ve all heard this kind of thinking before -- we need to live more sustainably, save energy, recycle, blah blah blah. But in reality, that’s not enough. The outcome doesn’t change with a 20% savings in energy, or 30% less oil consumption. It only changes when we defeat the effects of adjustment by learning to be satisfied with very little, and without continuing to push for more at an accelerating pace.

Now, most people find this kind of talk distasteful. They don’t want to have to cut back on something like shopping or travel or anything else that incidentally increases consumption of non-renewable resources. It’s taking away the things in life that often give us the most pleasure and joy. Plus, if my neighbor isn’t conserving, then why should I? The world will collapse anyways because of him.

The simple fact is this -- relinquishing the need for external things like money/houses/hobbies/careers/success to be happy is NOT giving up your happiness. It is the path to complete freedom. It is the path to unconditional satisfaction with life. It is the path to true and lasting happiness. And this kind of happiness is without cost to the sustainability of the planet, and of the human race.

(pause)

I think that a lot of people might scoff at that paragraph or question the practicality of it. The only reason I’m so confident, and the only reason I bother writing this stuff, is because I’ve experienced that transition for myself. I went from insecure, overly ambitious, fearful of death, and somewhat prone to depressive bouts to become one of the happiest people I know. The answer didn’t come from the outside. I didn’t win the lottery, I didn’t sell my company for $1B, and I didn’t become a respected figure in the business community. Almost nothing changed in my day-to-day situation. It was my mind that changed.

At some point, I decided that if I wanted to live a good life and make the world a better place, it made sense to focus on happiness. By becoming happier, my life would be much more pleasant, and I would be able to focus on helping others instead of trying to address my insecurities (by constantly striving for money and success through business). And with that resolution, I found a way to change.

The truth is that different things will work for different people when they’re looking for sustainable happiness. Some people find it enough to try to spend more time expressing gratitude for everything they have and everything others give them. Other people find it by developing a deep devotion to their religion. Personally, I find that meditation is the most powerful and direct method to change the mind to make it work for my happiness (instead of against it).

But whatever the method, the point is that you’re never going to get to a deep, sustainable happiness (that doesn’t harm the rest of the world) unless you focus on it and develop it.

Develop your happiness. Find your method. It is the most important thing you can do for yourself, and for the world.

A Wish

I stood up after meditation, and smiled at the beautiful view of the sunlit garden. I felt (and still feel) completely satisfied with life and the present moment. I thought:

May all people experience this profound happiness, and may they find freedom from the emotions and thoughts that are the cause of their suffering.

I truly wish that I could share this feeling of joy and freedom with all people -- I wish that we would recognize that the suffering that blocks our happiness originates entirely from within our minds (not the outside world), and that we can take simple steps to eliminate it.

This is not something abstract or idealized; through practice and perseverance, I was able to transform myself from insecure and unhappy to happy and fulfilled. If I could do it, anyone can.

(some guys wearing kilts opposite E52 facing the Charles)

The Breath

Today was a rather peaceful morning, possibly because I got a decent amount of sleep after a day of not very much. I sat outside to meditate, which wasn't going that well, but well enough. I could definitely see pockets of clarity as my focus on my breath drifted in and out. My timer rang, telling me my 25 minutes were up, but I turned it off and sat for a couple more.

Suddenly, I felt like I was noticing my breath for the first time in the entire 30 minutes, even though I had supposedly been focusing on it the whole time. I was completely aware of my breath. I became even more aware of my thoughts and feelings that were drifting in the background, allowing me to drop my apprehension about things happening later in the day. As I did that, I was totally in touch with the present moment. I was simply observing my breath.

As I experienced complete freedom from the churning of mundane thoughts and trivial worries in my head, a palpable joy filled all corners of my mind. I was so incredibly happy to be alive and breathing. Life is so wonderful.

I basked in the beautiful "everythingness" of the moment, and smiled as I looked at the plants and birds in the garden.

---

Interestingly, this is a fairly common experience for me. It doesn't happen every time I meditate, but it's incredibly rewarding when it does. The point, however, is not that "peak experiences" (as they are called in scientific literature) are something to strive for; it's that we are in control of our minds, and that change for the better is possible (and wonderful).

Is there something you want to change about yourself?

(Walden Pond this past Sunday)

Racism, and the transformation of anger

Today I rode my bike for the first time in a few weeks. I was in my full bike gear, and was appreciating the fall colors and crisp air of a bluish-tinted afternoon.

I passed three young kids (probably early high-school age) on my way to wait for a traffic light. I waited at the light, and saw that they were coming to the light as well. They seemed to be in a bit of a joking mood, and one started making weird sounds. The others started doing it too, and I quickly realized that they were trying to imitate the sounds of Chinese or Korean in an attempt to make fun of me. They came and stood around me and continued to make the sounds, trying to elicit some sort of response (and made fun of my admittedly silly bike clothes).

Oddly, I said and felt nothing. When I was younger, I would no doubt have felt a flush of adrenaline and would have been angry with them for being racist. I even remember an incident in elementary school when I cried because somebody called me Japanese (I went to an otherwise all-white Jewish elementary school). Instead, I just sat there calmly with a tinge of sadness that they would do such a thing to someone completely unprovoked, and that they most likely would do it to others. I thought of what others must have done to them, and how much they must have suffered in the past for them to think that this would be a fun thing to do to someone else. I felt nothing for myself.

The light changed and I rode off slowly as they continued making sounds. I thought about them, but didn't feel a drop of resentment or anger towards them. I wished them happiness, and hoped that they would some day realize the importance of treating others well. Still, I did feel a hint of regret as I rode on, as I wished I could have said something kind yet stern that would have left a lasting impression that might even change the way they act in the future. Pretty tough to come up with on the spot though.

I think the most amazing part was that I didn't feel any sort of ill will towards them at all. It seems that over the years, I've been slowly changing my hot temper to something much cooler and calm. It's so easy to be happy when anger doesn't arise in the first place, and when you feel compassion and love towards people who would normally make you mad.

Relationships

I took almost exclusively chemistry and Japanese classes when I was in undergrad, but I did get out of my comfort zone to take a sociology class or two. A husband and wife team taught this class, and it was very popular. I forgot most of the content, but two things have stuck with me to this day -- for every negative thing you say to your partner, you should balance with at least 5 positive things, and relationships are something that you're constantly working at (there isn't a point where you should stop trying to improve).

My relationship with my girlfriend (of 10 years) is a tremendous source of happiness for me. Not only do I feel a near-limitless feeling of love for her, but expressing that love makes me so much more "loving" and open to others as well. But I'm not sure I would have made it to this point so easily, had it not been for those two simple pieces of advice.

I had a tendency to be critical of people who I was closest with (read: my girlfriend) since my mother had been the same way with my father, and I assumed that was natural. Even when I understood that negative comments should be sparing, and that I should be as free as possible with positive comments, making the change was difficult. But it was the other piece of advice that made it possible.

When I began to view the relationship not as something static, but more like a skill that you build over time, my attitude towards the potential for change shifted. I wanted to be "really good at my relationship" with her. And I knew that the only way to do that was to approach it like any other activity -- focus on a goal, and practice. At first it was difficult, but I focused on reducing the negative comments, and trying to compliment her more. Progress was slow, but with the right mindset, I began to change.

Since then, we've both changed ourselves in many different ways for each other. Because we were both committed, and had the right attitude towards our relationship, we've developed an incredible level of trust that lets us express a very deep feeling of love for each other. We often joke that we've never loved each other more than we do right now. The amazing thing is that it's true -- because we keep working at it, our love continues to grow.

Being willing to change for your partner is not a risky move -- it's the only way to find true happiness in a relationship.

High-level happiness talk

Had a very interesting talk about happiness and policy with a bunch of public policy students from Harvard yesterday (far more willing to tackle the big issues than the MBAs!). There were some very insightful comments, and a lot of interesting research. But there seemed to be a consistent problem running throughout the discussion; nobody could come to an agreement (either in our group, or amongst the researchers) about what the correct definition of happiness is.

Is it the sum of fleeting positive emotions? Is it the subjective self-evaluation of a person's life satisfaction? Is it a measure of smiles per period? Or the levels of serotonin/oxytocin/dopamine in a person's brain at a given moment?

I personally think we don't talk about happiness enough, and fail to distinguish between the different types of "positive life experiences." This gives us a poor toolset to communicate about happiness. And moreover, given that the objective is ostensibly to raise happiness for large numbers of people, not enough of the people taking part in the discussion have tried and succeeded at improving their own happiness to a point that would give them an understanding of what types of happiness matter, and what types are irrelevant. (Whew, long sentence). Most of the people who want to drive the change have been successful and happy all their lives! (myself included, although there was a long period of questioning and doubt a few years back)

The most beautiful place in the world

I had a dream last night that I was riding around in one of those little white safari vans, admiring the scenery as I rode by. Somehow, I knew I was in an arctic region (it had something to do with the darkness and the low angle of the sun), yet it wasn't cold at all. There wasn't anything particularly notable about the landscape, just some trees and some interesting dark-blue transparent patterns on the black road (were they ice patches?).

There was definitely something interesting about the light though; it came from behind us, and was dimmer, whiter, and clearer than normal sunlight. Everything appeared with the crispness of a cold autumn day, but there was also an incredible fullness and depth to the darker colors, something I'd never seen before. As an incredible sense of beauty filled my thoughts, I turned and declared to my friends: "this is the most beautiful place in the world!"

And it really was. I felt so happy that I was lucky enough to experience that moment. I could see everything so clearly; the colors were so pure and deep.

----

I woke up and had a typical day at business school: running from one class to the next, getting sleepy in lecture, meeting with teammates to work on projects. At the end of the day, I held a short meditation session, and had a great conversation with a friend. I told him about my dream, and how interesting it was that I was so utterly convinced that I had seen the most beautiful place in the world, even though the entire experience was confined entirely to my own mind. And it made me think -- does it even matter where we are or what we're doing? Can we find beauty and happiness in any situation if we simply become "present" and allow ourselves to see it?


After the meditation session, I walked over to admire the Charles. I took this picture, smiled, and thought: "yeah, definitely"